Prespective

Thursday afternoon was a doozy.

I was tired, and felt a headache coming on. My hair felt dirty. My 2 year old son was in the mood of all moods, my very six year old daughter was full blown sassafras about doing her homework. Our dog wouldn't stop barking at all the construction going on outside. The sink was overflowing with dishes. And my husband was going to be at a meeting until after bedtime.

I turned on the TV for the kids in the hopes of it calming them both down so I could just have a few seconds of calm before planning what to do to distract them next, as well as think of what to have for dinner.

I walked out of our living room and into the bathroom and before I could even sit on the toilet my son shoved the door open like some kind of roided out bounty hunter and started throwing bath toys all over the place.

Welcome to the 10th circle of hell.

Well, not really. But if that environment isn't a preview I am not sure what else is.

In the middle of my pity-party my sister texted me. Now, let me preface this with saying that I love my sister but, I was sure she was only texting me because  she wanted or needed something. SO when she texted me at the precise moment that I was already supremely irritated, I was in no mood to do any favors.

But she wasn't texting me for a favor or asking me to do something for her. She was telling me I should check on our mom because, one of her former students, at just 14,  had committed suicide.

Not at all the text I was expecting. It was completely shocking. A bazillion thoughts ran through my mind. The first was sadness for his parents. My heart weighed so heavy for them. Then I thought of the boy.

I didn't know this boy who had died. I never met him. I didn't know his name or what he even looked like but, he was so young. Just a boy.

He was someones son. Someones friend. Someone who had a birthday.

And as a mother, I was overcome with sadness. My heart broke for this boys mom, also someone I have never met. My heart broke for the boy who felt such despair that he made an irreversible decision to end his life.

Why? Oh goodness why?

I called my mom but she wasn’t home.

My son came over and tugged on my arm. He needed a diaper change.

I carried him to his room and lay him on his changing table. I got a new diaper and some wipes. He was laughing and kicking his feet. And as I changed his diaper, I started to cry.

I though of the boys mom and all the times she changed her son's diaper while he laughed and kicked his feet. I thought of how much her heart must be hurting right now. I thought of how, though I didn't know it, that boy who died has a name. A name his parents chose. A name his mother would say when she told him to stop moving when he kicked and squirmed during a diaper change. A name that she called when it was time for dinner, or shouted if he made a mess that he needed to clean, or cheered for at a school event.

I thought of how much I love my kids. I thought of how I hope they never feel like suicide is their only option to feeling better. I hope they know how fiercely they are loved.

As a mother, when another mother suffers such a loss, though it's not my pain to suffer or heartbreak to have, I cannot help but feel overwhelming empathy.

I want to hug her. I want to make her chicken soup. I want to give her a pillow to scream into. I want to give her a blanket to sleep under when she falls asleep on the couch. I want to give her all the love I have in my heart.

I want to tell anyone who is in such a deep and dark state to not make the choice to end things.  I want to hug them and tell them they are important and needed and wanted and loved. I want to tell them to believe, to trust that it gets better, that tomorrow the sun will rise and there will be hope, that life is sometimes hard but nothing is ever that bad. I want to tell them to stay. To fight. To never give up.

What a terrible unimaginable heartbreak.

I picked up my freshly changed son and hugged him so tight and whispered, "I love you my sweet boy" and he squawked and shoved my kisses away.

I walked back into the living room. My daughter was still mad at me for making her do her homework. I kissed her messy head of hair and told her I loved her. She didn't say it back. I didn't care.

I told my kids what our dinner options were and they chose spaghetti. I put on a movie and went into the kitchen to start cooking.

As soon as I walked out of the room they started fighting. But this time, the sounds of their fighting made me calm, instead of wanting to pull my hair out. Because it was the sounds of life.

Suddenly everything from before seemed so stupid. It was all so trivial and unimportant. It's just some dirty dishes and fussy kids. Nowhere near the hell I was comparing it to and nothing that warrants a pity party.

All that stuff from before? It's just life. Sometimes it's messy, and not fun, and chaotic. But it's life.

And life, is so so so special.



***If you or someone you know is suffering from depression or having a hard time, please reach out and be the one to help. Contact The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. ***