Gummy Bear Drama

Last week, Matt and I were shopping for stuff to make cupcakes for my sister's birthday. Tilden started fussing while we were in line (a very long one at that) to pay. Matt walked him around and gave him 2 gummy bears from one of the candy bins to tame his tantrum long enough for us to pay and leave. 

After getting back in line with me, the 2 gummy bears in hand, the lady behind us shot a really nasty look our way and said "That's not nice!"  to Matt and I 

We looked at each other confused. I thought for a second that maybe she thought we cut in front of her.

"What isn't nice?" Matt asked her

She then basically went on this tangent about how we are terrible parents because we are teaching our son to steal and that giving him 2 gummy bears from the bin of candy is stealing, and we are showing him that it is okay, and our behavior is shameful. 

Matt just looked at her, shook his head, and then turned around to not face her anymore. 

I on the other hand?

I kinda lost it on this woman.

Just a little bit. 

This woman was much older, and maybe not all there. She had a lazy eye and was buying a hand basket full of blueberries. Normally my heightened emotional intelligence would have allowed me to feel empathy for her. As I feel almost always with everyone. 

But come at me and tell me my son is exhibiting bad behavior because I am teaching it to him? Tell me that I am a bad parent? Come at me about something so personal as parenting? 

Gloves. Are. Off. Lady.

You poked the bear. 

Maybe it was my chronic sleep deprivation, maybe it was that my nerves were already fried from my son's in store tantrum, but I went off on this woman like I was like one of those really pissed off ladies on a Real House Wives Reunion. 

"Excuse me?!" I say 

"So you're the perfect mother then?!" 

She said something else to me but my "Oh no you didn't" mom rage was screaming in my ears so I didn't hear her. 

I went on to say something along the lines of congratulating her for never having ever done anything wrong in her parenting and a whole lot of other snarky, and to use an Iris-ism, sassy bo bassy comments. 

**Mind you, just so we are clear that I am not a thief, we told the checker about the candy that we gave Tilden, and the checker said not to worry. I do always tell the people ringing us up what my kids ate or are eating and I do pay for whatever it is every time.**

The grumpy lady said something again about stealing and then said "I don't think it's right"

And then I yelled at her, I actually yelled,  "Well you're not his mother are you?!"

The whole store got quiet and people were staring. 

Old grumpy lady got quiet too, and that was the end of it. 

Loading up the car, Matt and I felt terrible. We were, as it would seem, to ourselves, a thief and an elder abuser. 

But worst of all, we were "Bad Parents".

I felt ill. 

Even though we had been provoked and misjudged by a total stranger, even though I was within my right to defend myself, even though we were given the OK to have the two gummy bears by the store checker, even though Matt felt so bad that he even went back inside and bought some gummy bears, even though that grumpy woman was going out of her way to be what came across as unnecessarily confrontational, even though I feel, we were the ones owed an apology; we spent the entire rest of the day thinking about it, talking about it, feeling awful about it, regretting it, wanting a redo, and obsessing about whether or not we are good parents. 

We talked about how to get rid of this icky feeling that we had. We talked about the idea of "righting wrongs" Matt said he felt a little better having gone back inside to buy gummy bears so I chose to right mine by being super-duper nice to the next old lady I encountered. 

As the day progressed, I worried that maybe I had responded too hasty. I worried that maybe I should have just explained in a nicer way that we were not stealing, that we had every intention of telling the checker about the gummy bears, that she had misunderstood the situation. Maybe I should have just ignored her.  

But then I thought, what did she expect to happen? What was her end goal in coming up to two parents of a small boy and trashing their parenting choices? 

I reassured myself that I had done the right thing in defending myself and my parenting. 

And with that thought, I grew more upset. 

Why should I have to defend myself? 

This woman doesn't know the depths of my love for my children, she doesn't know how much I care, how I would part the oceans for them if they needed it. She doesn't know how much I worry, how I meal plan the healthiest foods, how I am always teaching them empathy, how to make good choices, about the importance of responsibilities. How I am always teaching them to love our planet and animals and to recycle. How I teach them to share with those who have less. And how I have told them about stealing and it being wrong. 

She doesn't know any of this because, she doesn't know us. She made a snap judgment while my child was having a tantrum and we were bribing him with sugar. She judged us at a hard moment in parenting. And once I realized that, I felt okay about it. 

Not great, or anything close to that, just okay. 

The next day, after we dropped Iris off at school, we went to go get a coffee at one of our favorite places. 

We were sitting at a table. I had Tilden in my lap and was letting him crawl on the table over to Matt and then back to me, sometimes he stood up on the table and screamed with laughter and then would come back to sit with one of us. 

As this was happening, an elderly lady approached us. 

'Excuse me," she said. 

Still on the defense from the day before, I was certain she was going to tell us something like, how we should not put our kid on the table or to keep our kid quiet, or something else really judgey. But I remembered that I had chosen to be kind and I remembered how eager I was to "right my wrong" so I jumped up to give her our table. 

"Would you like our table?" I asked

"Oh, I have my own table" she says pointing across the room. 

She went on to say that she had been watching us with Tilden and felt compelled to tell us that she thinks that we are "WONDERFUL PARENTS" and that seeing us love our son the way we do brought a joy to her heart. 

This woman, we would learn, was a retired social worker. She told us about how she had seen so many children in her lifetime that were not loved by their parents and seeing us with Tilden gave her hope. And she said she wants God to bless us and our family forever. 

Stunned, Matt and I just looked at each other. 

I got pretty emotional and thanked her for her kind words. She said there was no need to thank her as she was just stating the truth. 

She walked back to her table and we finished up our coffee and strawberry croissants. As we walked out the door to head home we made sure to say goodbye to the kind woman and thanked her again. 

Our car ride home was completely different than the day before, it was the very definition of opposite. We were feeling so happy, and to be honest, really relived for some reason. 

It's funny how life works out like that. How sometimes, when you really need it, the universe or fate or whatever it is, just gives you that little head nod of approval, as if it is saying "Everything is cool". 

The whole thing, the encounter at the store and the encounter at the coffee place, was a good lesson to me on the power of words. One person's words to us brought in a storm cloud, while the other's, a rainbow. 

I will always choose to be kind, I will always choose to be understanding. There is always a way to handle confrontation and not be left feeling so yucky. 

I realized that while negative words are pretty powerful; kind and positive words are magic. They are the most powerful of all the words spoken. 

Kindness always wins. 

Another thing that wins? Bribing a screaming kid with sugar. That s**t works like magic too.