On Having Two Kids

**Not that anyone reads this anyway, but I had thought that I saved this as a draft. Apparently, I hit publish. Oopsie. I have edited it. And NOW i am ready for it to be read. Oh the joys of mommy brain**

I love that I have two babies. 

Having more than one child is different than I thought it would be. 

Good different? Bad different? 

I don't know, it's just...different. Better than I thought different.

It is always wonderful though. 

Sometimes it is easier than I thought and then other times much harder.

But I have always been one to struggle with balancing things. I have never really mastered the art of equal attention to things. Even before kids, I could never take on too much. Something always got inevitably ignored. Not that my kids are ever ignored by me, but I am sure that there are times that they feel they are. 

Having one kid is easy. I once read someone describing having one kid and then going to two as being a great reminder that having only one kid is the easiest thing ever. She said, having one kid is the equivalent of having a house plant.

I only had one kid when I read that article. At the time I did not agree, but now that I have two, I see what she is saying. And, I totally agree.

Having only one is so easy.

With the Iris, as she was my first, she instantly became my whole world and I loved her like mad, and us together was a whole new adventure. Every little thing was special. Each milestone and moment I relished in and talked about with passionate enthusiasm. She was a new baby and I, a new mom, so we had this connection of being on this amazing journey together. 

Our daily schedule was beholden to no one. Each day at home with her was free to do whatever we wanted. 

She had me 100% undivided.

But with Tilden, it's a little different.

We don't have that "world is our oyster schedule" and that is where I feel, having two can be hard. 

I love him with the same intensity that I did with Iris when she was a baby. The wonderment is just as special, the milestones and moments are still relished in, but because of Iris, and I am not at all suggesting this is her fault, nor am I resentful or blaming her, but, those moments I want to relish in are often cut short or interrupted with Iris' needs. 

Adventures out with Tilden are on a time limit and sometimes his naps are cut short due to Iris's school schedule. When he is in a snuggling mood and is pulling me to his big boy bed,  I cannot go lay with him to read books, as it will leave Iris alone watching TV or playing in the side yard by herself. 

Why not just have her join? One because she usually isn't interested, and two if she does come in he shoves her away with fierce disdain. 

With Iris, I could love on her without anyone getting upset about it or feeling jealous. I could get her a toy from the Target Dollar Bin and not need to buy another toy or makeup a story about where said came from, so that a sibling would not get sad.

But with Tilden, it is not like that. 

When she was a baby there wasn't an older child her to take her toys away or not share graham crackers. 

But with Tilden, there is. 

I struggle with the guilt that he isn't having the attention that she did, and I struggle when I AM giving him the attention she did, with feeling like I have left Iris all alone.

I struggle with her jealously of him and his frustration with her. 

I struggle with BALANCE. And I only have 2! I cannot even imagine what life is like for the 19 kids and counting lady. How did she dote and love and pay undivided attention to all those babies? 

Tilden and I do get a few hours just the two of us when Iris is at school and about 3 times a week I try to go do something fun, just the two of us. A quick trip to the zoo, a walk to the park, story time at the library. 

Those outings used to be really hard for me because I struggled with the guilt of being out doing something fun without Iris. So much so that I used to keep the outings a secret from her. But then the lying to my first born started to eat me up inside so I told her the truth. I told her that when she was a baby we had so many adventures and that we went everywhere. I told her that she had her turn to do that stuff with me when she was a baby and that now, it is Tilden's turn. 

She understood but, I still felt guilty. 

And then I feel guilty for feeling guilty. 

I want to focus on each of them with absolute 100% devotion but, I can't, I man I can just not in a away that I could if they were the only one.

I have to be shared. I struggle with the guilt of Iris never having had to share me when she was a baby and that Tilden does. 

I struggle with guilt that she had me all to herself and now she has to share me with another kid. 

I struggle with guilt that Tilden will never have me all to himself. 

Guilt. So much of it. 

Guilt is like a weighted vest. Heavy and heart crushing. 

When I am having those days that it feels so hard to balance two, I worry, will it always be like this? This can't be forever, right? Like, this has to get easier. 

As someone who appreciates honesty when I, myself, am begging for advise or words of encouragement, I take answering questions very seriously when I have been on the receiving end of them. Especially when I am asked by women pregnant with their second babies or having just had their second, things like:

"When did it start to feel normal?"

or 

"When does is get easier?"

Define, "Easier". 

Physically easier? 

I say 4 months because that is when I physically felt more like myself. 

New routine easier?

I say 6 month because that is when I finally felt like we as a family of four, had finally figured out how to do a good bedtime schedule for them. And that is when Iris really mastered her roll as a big sister. 

Overall Life Easier?

(Phssst, Never. Send word when you get there, so I can get there too) 

"I don't know" I say.  Because honestly, I don't.

Sometimes I feel like I have it all figured out, and other times I feel utterly clueless. 

Tilden will be 2 on Thursday, and sometimes, I still feel like there are times we are all adjusting. 

There are times when Iris STILL get jealous of Tilden being "the baby". There are times when Tilden still gets mad when Iris hugs me. 

And in those moments, the guilt is all consuming. 

I take a deep breath and remind myself to try feeling less guilt and more balance. 

Which feels like a fools errand.  

But then there is the opposite too, when I say, it felt easy and normal from day one. 

Because that is also true. 

I say to them that going from one to two was like walking through a waterfall. We had one, and then we had another, and we all lived happily ever after. 

Because 95% of the time, that really is true. And it really does feel like a happily ever after. And it really does feel easy. 

And here is why...

Most of the time the routine is pretty solid. Tilden and I have playtime and fun outings while Iris is at school. When she comes home from school I make sure that we have a snack together and talk about her day. He plays while I help her with homework. While dinner is cooking, we all go outside to play together. He goes to bed first, and while I am putting him to bed, Iris has her time with daddy reading books or watching a show, once Tilden is asleep, I put her to bed and we have our quiet time together.

It works really really well, but it took about a year to find that routine and realize that it works.

There are other things too that are pretty great about having two that I didn't really appreciate until recently.

For example, 

Iris didn't have a sibling here to dote on her and play peek a boo when I was folding laundry. Iris didn't have a sibling here to play cars with her while I cleaned up dinner. Tilden DOES. 

Iris didn't have a sibling here to get into mischief with, Tilden DOES.

They way they play together is perfection. 

Iris calls Tilden "Franken-Baby" and he chases her around the house making monster sounds. They snuggle in blanket forts and Iris reads him stories. She picks him up so he can see firetrucks drive by our house. She takes him by the hand when we walk outside. He sneak attack kisses her on the face. They share the big chair in the livingroom and watch Star Wars together. 

Iris hugs him and tells me she never wants him to grow up. 

He screams the happiest screams when she runs out of the gate at school pick up. 

They are best buddies. 

Their love for each other cannot be described, no words can do it justice. It is stunningly beautiful. 

Iris didn't have that when she was a baby, Tilde DOES. 

They both have things that the other didn't.

So in a way, there IS balance, it's just a different kind. 

I guess part of what I need to let go of is trying to make Tilden's babyhood what Iris' was. I have been fighting so hard and feeling so guilty about trying to make his exactly the same as hers, I didn't realize that Tilden's babyhood can be just as magical as Iris' was but, in a totally different way.  

I need to remember that different isn't bad or something to feel guilty about. Different is good and should be embraced. And THAT is what will make his just as special.

Tilden's will be different than Iris', and Iris' was different than Tilden's; but they were/are equally special, equally filled/full of love and with the same amount of dollar bin toys and day trips. 

I am sure I will still find away to feel guilty about something though. Mom's are good at that. 

But I will never feel guilt about how I absolutely adore them equally, and ridiculously, and intensely; and differently, too.

So I want to say to anyone who is thinking of going from one to two, or will be soon, or recently did. It is all going to be great. It is going to be better than you hope it will be. You can be a good mother to two babies. And all the guilt, and worry, and doubt, is totally worth it.

Having two kids is magic.