Ugh. Yuck. Ick.
Do you ever remember an embarrassing moment from like, a thousand years ago, and cringe as if it's just happened? Or think of something that happened, also a thousand years ago, and still regret the way you handled it? I do, and I really have lately.
I am not sure why. I just, have.
Maybe it's all the facebook and instagram reconnections with old high school friends, and the flooding back of memories that follow one of those reconnections.
Or maybe it is that Iris is now a full fledged school going kid and hearing her stories about happenings at school is bringing back memories too. Memories of being her age, of making friends, of wanting to do well in class.
Maybe it's that sometimes, at Iris' school, I feel like we don't really fit in with the other parents and that insecurity, is just, reminding me of all my own silly insecurities I had when I was her age.
I try not to project. I know she is so happy and really loving school. But on the days when she comes home upset, I can't help but feel like I want to move her to a new school. Running away is never the solution, but it sure feels like one, especially when you want to.
But my school experience IS NOT her school experience.
My goodness, I did not like school. I struggled with anxiety and mild dyslexia. Finally by High School, I overcame those issues and everything turned out fine. I had plenty of friends and did really well in all of my classes. But I think that awkward social anxiety ridden years of K-9th grade, kind of, just, scared me for life.
I know that sounds dramatic. But it totally did.
I think I am what is called an introverted extrovert. I am outgoing to an extent and very friendly. But there are times when I just feel like, paralyzed with shyness and this anxiety about small talk. It's so stupid. Especially since I am a grown up. Shouldn't I be over this by now?
There are times when, as mentioned above I will be reminded of that really embarrassing moment in Jr. High or High School and I just want to hide under my covers. Even though those moments are miles away and are dusty pages in the history books of my youth, and they amounted to nothing, they still bother me.
There's nobody to reach out to or anything, it isn't a wrong that needs to be righted. It's just a part of my adolescents. The very worst part of that phase, all those mortifying life lessons.
And I think the big take away from it all is, forgiveness and self love.
That is something that I struggle with. I struggle with forgiving myself for my mistakes and I struggle with self love after my failures or when I am feeling like an idiot or when I am feeling insecure.
Maybe we all do.
There is no perfect. There shouldn't be. And who would want it anyway? But even though I know that, I still feel gross and icky and uncomfortable when something happens that is a mistake or a failure or when I am feeling insecure.
Maybe it's also the desire for acceptance?
But acceptance to/from/by what? *Shrugs*
I'm telling you, having a child in elementary school is like going through it all over again. But she is so much better than me.
To be totally honest, when I was pregnant with Iris and we found out that it was a girl, I was scared. I worried that she would be like me. I worried she would have anxiety like I did, I worried she would get teased like I did, I worried she would have my sensitive heart, I worried that I wouldn't do a good job raising a girl to be confident.
But I can see how wrong I was, because she is amazing. She does have my sensitive heart, but I have taught her it isn't a bad thing. I can see that she is like me, but all the good things that are me. And she is all of these wonderful things that are from Matt too.
My insecurities do not have to be hers. All my baggage about school and life lessons, don't have to be her baggage.
She's brave, and smart, and confidant. She has friends. She is liked by her peers.
Sure she has her drama she tells me about and I am sure she has her moments of being a sassafras to girls in her class. But she's great. Like, reallyreally great. And I am so proud of her.
She won an award at school today for being a peace builder. Seeing her up on that stage beaming with pride was one of the best, most memorable moments I have had being her mother.
Seeing her on that stage today gave me a wave of relief, she's the best of the both of us; and she going to be fine.
I am not sure why. I just, have.
Maybe it's all the facebook and instagram reconnections with old high school friends, and the flooding back of memories that follow one of those reconnections.
Or maybe it is that Iris is now a full fledged school going kid and hearing her stories about happenings at school is bringing back memories too. Memories of being her age, of making friends, of wanting to do well in class.
Maybe it's that sometimes, at Iris' school, I feel like we don't really fit in with the other parents and that insecurity, is just, reminding me of all my own silly insecurities I had when I was her age.
I try not to project. I know she is so happy and really loving school. But on the days when she comes home upset, I can't help but feel like I want to move her to a new school. Running away is never the solution, but it sure feels like one, especially when you want to.
But my school experience IS NOT her school experience.
My goodness, I did not like school. I struggled with anxiety and mild dyslexia. Finally by High School, I overcame those issues and everything turned out fine. I had plenty of friends and did really well in all of my classes. But I think that awkward social anxiety ridden years of K-9th grade, kind of, just, scared me for life.
I know that sounds dramatic. But it totally did.
I think I am what is called an introverted extrovert. I am outgoing to an extent and very friendly. But there are times when I just feel like, paralyzed with shyness and this anxiety about small talk. It's so stupid. Especially since I am a grown up. Shouldn't I be over this by now?
There are times when, as mentioned above I will be reminded of that really embarrassing moment in Jr. High or High School and I just want to hide under my covers. Even though those moments are miles away and are dusty pages in the history books of my youth, and they amounted to nothing, they still bother me.
There's nobody to reach out to or anything, it isn't a wrong that needs to be righted. It's just a part of my adolescents. The very worst part of that phase, all those mortifying life lessons.
And I think the big take away from it all is, forgiveness and self love.
That is something that I struggle with. I struggle with forgiving myself for my mistakes and I struggle with self love after my failures or when I am feeling like an idiot or when I am feeling insecure.
Maybe we all do.
There is no perfect. There shouldn't be. And who would want it anyway? But even though I know that, I still feel gross and icky and uncomfortable when something happens that is a mistake or a failure or when I am feeling insecure.
Maybe it's also the desire for acceptance?
But acceptance to/from/by what? *Shrugs*
I'm telling you, having a child in elementary school is like going through it all over again. But she is so much better than me.
To be totally honest, when I was pregnant with Iris and we found out that it was a girl, I was scared. I worried that she would be like me. I worried she would have anxiety like I did, I worried she would get teased like I did, I worried she would have my sensitive heart, I worried that I wouldn't do a good job raising a girl to be confident.
But I can see how wrong I was, because she is amazing. She does have my sensitive heart, but I have taught her it isn't a bad thing. I can see that she is like me, but all the good things that are me. And she is all of these wonderful things that are from Matt too.
My insecurities do not have to be hers. All my baggage about school and life lessons, don't have to be her baggage.
She's brave, and smart, and confidant. She has friends. She is liked by her peers.
Sure she has her drama she tells me about and I am sure she has her moments of being a sassafras to girls in her class. But she's great. Like, reallyreally great. And I am so proud of her.
She won an award at school today for being a peace builder. Seeing her up on that stage beaming with pride was one of the best, most memorable moments I have had being her mother.
Seeing her on that stage today gave me a wave of relief, she's the best of the both of us; and she going to be fine.
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