A Struggle in Forgiveness
An old friend of mine has been posting some pretty annoying Pro this current administration stuff since the election. I made a choice to unfollow her, not unfriend, just unfollow. Occasionally I will look at her FB page just to see what she is up to, as I do genuinely like her. But lately, I am questioning if I do anymore. I’m sure I’ll feel differently once I’m not so upset about everything.
I shared a petition on my FB page and expressed my sadness and despair over what is happening with immigrant families being separated, and she "Laughed" at it. My heart sank. I at first thought that maybe it was a mistake, but then I saw on her FB page that she had shared several horrific posts in defense of this mess.
It was all I could do to not delete her.
Why would she do that? What is the reason for laughing at something that made me upset?
What was it that Maya Angelou said? "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."?
I don't want to believe it about this person. I don't want to believe that she is mean, but, she is. And I guess I have known it for a long time and have chosen to ignore it. But I just can't do it anymore.
Because laughing at my vulnerability is mean, and sharing crude joke memes about BABIES being ripped away from their mothers is MEAN.
She always likes the pictures of my kids and makes really sweet comments. But I am so angry that I feel like, she shouldn't get to make fun of me for being upset about something, or make a joke of those families living in a nightmare hell, and then feel joy in seeing a picture of my kids. It doesn't work like that. At least for me it doesn't.
This is where I am struggling in my ability to forgive. I want to be good. I want to be the better person and just ignore it. I want to forgive her for the hate she shares on her page, and usually I can because I can just simply ignore it. I can scroll along and not say anything. But she doesn't do that to me, she responds each time, in a mean way. I want to forgive her for her rude reactions to my "Liberal" posts. But at what point is it allowing myself to be walked all over? At what point do I say enough?
Yes, I have questioned my anger at her.
Yes I have asked if it's blanket anger, like, anger not just at her, but everyone who is thinks like her.
And the answer is Yes.
It IS blanket anger.
It is blanket anger at this administration and the ignorance is bliss mentality that goes along in support everything it does.
Blanket anger because everything that I was afraid would happen when this buffoon got elected has happened.
Blanket anger because I am so tired of being on edge all the time.
Blanket anger because I am so tired of being angry.
Blanket anger because letting go of that anger is giving in.
Blanket anger because this is bullshit.
Blanket anger because I don't have the energy to explain why I feel that I am right in my convictions.
Blanket anger because there is a part of me that feels hesitant to even post this out of fear that she, or some random, is going to write a comment about me being a snowflake or a hypocrite, and I don't have the emotional wherewithal to respond to such things.
Blanket anger because I don't have the energy to argue my case with someone who lives in an alternate reality.
Just blanket anger because FUCK THIS. FUCK ALL OF IT.
Blanket anger because she, along with everyone else that voted for this garbage, made this happen.
And I need someone to yell at that will hear me...YOU DID THIS.
Blanket anger because I miss the way things used to be when it was politics as usual.
Blanket anger at the time suck that is obsessively reading the news all the time.
Blanket anger because my faith in Karma and God is cracking.
Blanket anger because meditating isn't working anymore.
Blanket anger because I don't know what to do to make it better.
Blanket anger because I am scared it never will be better.
And then after all of that,
the blanket anger is met with...
...overwhelming heartbreak.
Overwhelming heartbreak because, I want to be better than this.
Overwhelming heartbreak because I want all of us to be better than this.
Overwhelming heartbreak because I don't know how we are ever going to find our way back again.
I shared a petition on my FB page and expressed my sadness and despair over what is happening with immigrant families being separated, and she "Laughed" at it. My heart sank. I at first thought that maybe it was a mistake, but then I saw on her FB page that she had shared several horrific posts in defense of this mess.
It was all I could do to not delete her.
Why would she do that? What is the reason for laughing at something that made me upset?
What was it that Maya Angelou said? "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."?
I don't want to believe it about this person. I don't want to believe that she is mean, but, she is. And I guess I have known it for a long time and have chosen to ignore it. But I just can't do it anymore.
Because laughing at my vulnerability is mean, and sharing crude joke memes about BABIES being ripped away from their mothers is MEAN.
She always likes the pictures of my kids and makes really sweet comments. But I am so angry that I feel like, she shouldn't get to make fun of me for being upset about something, or make a joke of those families living in a nightmare hell, and then feel joy in seeing a picture of my kids. It doesn't work like that. At least for me it doesn't.
This is where I am struggling in my ability to forgive. I want to be good. I want to be the better person and just ignore it. I want to forgive her for the hate she shares on her page, and usually I can because I can just simply ignore it. I can scroll along and not say anything. But she doesn't do that to me, she responds each time, in a mean way. I want to forgive her for her rude reactions to my "Liberal" posts. But at what point is it allowing myself to be walked all over? At what point do I say enough?
Yes, I have questioned my anger at her.
Yes I have asked if it's blanket anger, like, anger not just at her, but everyone who is thinks like her.
And the answer is Yes.
It IS blanket anger.
It is blanket anger at this administration and the ignorance is bliss mentality that goes along in support everything it does.
Blanket anger because everything that I was afraid would happen when this buffoon got elected has happened.
Blanket anger because I am so tired of being on edge all the time.
Blanket anger because I am so tired of being angry.
Blanket anger because letting go of that anger is giving in.
Blanket anger because this is bullshit.
Blanket anger because I don't have the energy to explain why I feel that I am right in my convictions.
Blanket anger because there is a part of me that feels hesitant to even post this out of fear that she, or some random, is going to write a comment about me being a snowflake or a hypocrite, and I don't have the emotional wherewithal to respond to such things.
Blanket anger because I don't have the energy to argue my case with someone who lives in an alternate reality.
Just blanket anger because FUCK THIS. FUCK ALL OF IT.
Blanket anger because she, along with everyone else that voted for this garbage, made this happen.
And I need someone to yell at that will hear me...YOU DID THIS.
Blanket anger because I miss the way things used to be when it was politics as usual.
Blanket anger at the time suck that is obsessively reading the news all the time.
Blanket anger because my faith in Karma and God is cracking.
Blanket anger because meditating isn't working anymore.
Blanket anger because I don't know what to do to make it better.
Blanket anger because I am scared it never will be better.
And then after all of that,
the blanket anger is met with...
...overwhelming heartbreak.
Overwhelming heartbreak because, I want to be better than this.
Overwhelming heartbreak because I want all of us to be better than this.
Overwhelming heartbreak because I don't know how we are ever going to find our way back again.
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